So you want to be a head chef…. part one.

The Chef & Photographer

Two weeks ago I ended my role as head chef at Stafford Road. I have often thought about how my understanding of the role has changed, since I stepped up into that space. I used to define a head chef in terms of actions: someone who led a team, created dishes and handled the administrative business of a kitchen. Based on my recent experience, and with hindsight gained from the head chefs I have had, my current definition is based on attitude and values.

Ed and Yutak – Instagram

A great head chef is…

My experience has shown me what I aspire to. I will always strive to be the best cook I can be, but I also recognise the professional and personal development I need to achieve to be a better leader.

A great head chef is:

– consistently creative with a desire to try new things

– motivated…

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The day my left arm fell off.

My Sous Chef and I have parted ways. We were the only reason each other came into work. (Apart from the money and free cheese from time-to-time.)
We worked together for 3 and a half years which in chef terms is a hell of a long time.
We have shared laughs, tears and plenty of wine.

Like the Christmas Day where only the two of us turned up.

Or when the ceiling light fell on her head.

Like when she ordered a crate of aubergine instead of just one!

Or when she ordered 200 peppermint teas instead of just one box. (Nearly got rid of them now).

And cannot miss out the time she threw the burning hash browns out the window.

No matter how crazy it got we always had each other’s backs…..

……and a big fat plan to make whoever got in our way suffer!! 

Anyhow, Here’s her recipe for no fail twice baked cheddar soufflés. Perfect for ‘no stress’ dinner parties. Make a few hours ahead. 

Makes 4 (main course size)

Boil 450ml milk infused with onion, English mustard and a bay leaf. 

Melt 4 tablespoons butter then chuck in 7 tablespoons plain flour and combine. Pour in the milk (omitting the onion and bay leaf) until it thickens. 

Take off the heat then beat in 4 egg yolks saving the whites. Set aside. 

Whisk the whites to medium peak and fold in to the mix with a handful of mature grated cheese and a little washed rocket. 

Spoon the mix into 4 buttered teacups or large ramekins and place into a roasting tin. Pour hot water in the roasting tin around the cups. (about halfway up the cups). Bake for 15 mins at 160oC until risen with a little wobble. When cooled, Run a knife around the edge to loosen, flip over then sit back in the teacup/ramekin. They can now be placed in the fridge until you need them. Less stress at your dinner party! They only take 7 mins to reheat and you can serve them in the teacups on a saucer. 

For added extravagance brush with a little double cream before the second bake. 

Also perfect for a starter (makes 8). 

Chef anon 

The EHO is here!!!!!

Every establishment preparing or serving food should be expecting a visit from the Environmental Health Officer (EHO) every 12-18 months.
I’m sure there are many horror stories of the EHO turning up at the worst moment possible. short staffed, Dirty pots piled up, and the remains of your half eaten sandwich on your workstation. Deliveries that you’ll ‘sort in a minute’ and ‘that spillage’ that has had a towel over it for nearly 3 hours.

I Guarantee that EHO will never show up when it’s quiet, you’ve had chance to deep clean, and paperwork is filed neatly.

My kitchen is generally in good shape, cleaning rotas are in place, temperatures are taken and recorded, and staff know that my fridge layouts are not to be messed with!! (Ok the last one is not true. It escapes me why chefs would store fruit salad where IT’S CLEARLY LABELLED CONDIMENTS!!!! ), anyway, the EHO will always find something. The following is a list of things the EHO have said/found in places that I have worked over the years.
1).
EHO: is that a live wire hanging out the mixer?
Me: not sure, it works ok.
EHO : (tests wire with electrical screwdriver). YES IT’S LIVE! I need to condemn it.
Me: can I make the sponges for tonight’s menu first?
EHO : No.
2).

Me: (is nervous and offers a handshake).
EHO: Why on earth are your hands so sticky? (Sniffs his hands) what is that? !?!?
Me: (ashamed) Not sure.

3).

EHO: What can you tell me about your monthly water tests.
ME: We do them every month!

4).

EHO: Is this where I can wash my hands ?
ME: Yes. ( but actually thinks no you prick! It’s labelled ‘hand-wash only’ for a joke, it’s actually where we wash the salad leaves!!
EHO: does the water always take this long to get hot?
ME: No not at all. (actually it’s sometimes running for so long it reminds you that you need to piss). That’s if it’s not overflowed ‘cos it’s blocked with a concoction of dough, pastry and batter.

5,

EHO: Have you had any signs of rodents in the past 12 weeks.

ME: Nope.
(Actual honest reply should of been YES! We have squirrels that steal from the dumpsters, mice in the laundry, the manager brings his dog in sometimes and there is a robin that craps in dry stores and returns every single year. Also there is a hole in the delivery door where frogs creep in overnight, scare the breakfast chef half to death, then disappear down a drain).

ALL TRUE!!

Chef Unknown

Loaves, fishes, and increasing table numbers.

Being a chef can be stressful. FACT.
I have 40 people from the ‘Menopausal Women in Britain’ group in for a 1830 dinner. Easy street right?
The tables all seat 4 or 8 people so that means 5 tables. (5 tables of 8 =40). One bread roll on each place setting. With me so far?
The servers always lay up an extra 10% in case Miss fake tits doesn’t want to sit next to Mrs Flatulence etc.
That should make 44 spaces for 40 guests? Well you’d be wrong!! 10% of 40 equals 6 today. It’s written on ‘the board’ so it must be true.
‘The board’ is basically a tool that everyone can look at to find the correct information for the day. (Assuming that whoever writes on the board has the correct info in the first place).
I am not in the mood to challenge the 2 extra place settings and grab 2 more bread rolls out of the walk-in for service.
Then the phone rings. We know it’s internal because of the ‘special ring’.
“Hello housekeeping” I answer. Not had a laugh yet just an awkward confused silence. I change to “Hello kitchen”.

“2 people for dinner want to sit by themselves. Ok bye”.

It was the highly organized team of elite professionals called THE RECEPTIONISTS. (If you want to know how busy they are check their internet history).

I’ve guessed that the 2 guests are not included in the original 40 and grab 2 extra bread rolls from the walk-in.
I think to myself that I must write this down cos I will forget. (Right after I ring the fishmonger with the weekends order, do those holiday forms, place that job vacancy and go for a piss that I’ve been holding since this morning).
“2 more for dinner!!” Someone yells through to me. “I’ve wrote it on the board!!”
” Is that a new 2 or the 2 I already know about?” I yell back.
“It’s Mrs Gobshite and her husband with the gammy leg”. They reply.
Fuck it!! Another 2 bread rolls out the walk-in and now I need more veg cos it won’t stretch that far.
I’ve lost track of how many tables/guests we are catering for and decide to make a coffee, with hazelnut syrup to get me through the afternoon.
I notice a re-issue sheet landed on my desk with a number 40 crossed out and 49 put in its place. Who snook that onto my desk??? Why didn’t they tell me to my face?
I assume there is another stitch-up in the post.
I go into the servery to look at the board. There is more scribbles and crossings-out and a team meeting seems to be taking place. The big-I-am is leading it and tables are being moved to try and accommodate the increase in numbers. “Let’s make 5 tables of 10” the big-I-am suggests! Where’s ya 10% now? I think to myself.

I tell the kitchen brigade to work on 60 covers to be on the safe side. The menus are printed, I’ve rang all my orders through and I envisage a quick getaway. Leave the trainee and pot washer to do desserts.
It’s 5 minutes to service, starters are on trollies ready to go, mains are ticking over nicely, all the servers have turned up and are pretty much sober too!!
Only one problem.
No guests.
I poke my head into the corridor to find out what the hell is going on. I welcome Mrs Gobshite who is looking for her husband. “Follow the smell of stale piss” I say under my breath.
All the dining rooms are empty. I have an awful feeling that dinner is gonna be late. Very late!

I’ll need wine on the way home!

Chef Unknown

Coffee Energy Bites

Blissfulbritt

There is something magical about a morning cup of coffee. Not just any cup, a morning cup. The cup that allows for relaxation with the paper, the internet, a book, or with a friend. The cup that allows last nights dinner to be safely excreted from your body. The cup that gives that morning pick me up after a long night of work, school, or gypsy wrangling.

While I love coffee in it’s more common form of a liquid, the beans and grounds are becoming a quick favorite of mine when it comes to baking. I made my basura cookies last week, and they didn’t stand a chance lasting more than 2 days. The coffee grounds in these cookies really stole the show. Here’s another favorite with the addition of some coffee grounds. Energy bites SHOULD have coffee grounds in them, don’t you think?

Coffee Ground No Bake Energy Bites 

Ingredients

• 1 cup dry…

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perks of the job and other coffee related memories.

Our hotel restaurant has recently moved to an expensive barista machine to replace the old push-button one. Don’t get me wrong! I’m all for better, fresher coffee but at what cost? It’s very amusing for us chefs to watch the inexperienced staff attempting to steam milk. Some listen for the perfect sound, some just go for it full steam and get sloshed with hot milk on the face. Some are scared to death of ‘the new machine’ and (at arms length) proceed to gently steam the milk for several minutes, then, with a little look over their shoulder, they steal some redundant foam from a previous attempt and pile it on top of the now luke-warm beverage. “Must be something wrong with this machine again” they mutter as they leave it dirty for the next person to sort out. By this time the food order is ready and the customer has either (a) forgotten what they ordered or (b) fallen asleep having now waited an age for a simple latte. I’ve seen many a grown woman have a complete meltdown over an order of 3 cappuccinos and a latte. By early afternoon the dish wash area is littered with furry silver jugs, coffee beans, and failed mocha attempts.
It was decided that staff should not be privileged to consume proper coffee and a large tin of instant granules should be purchased. Cheap-shit teabags were also on offer if you fancied a nice cup of old lady’s piss.
A chef without caffeine is not good news. Let alone a full brigade. We get ratty/rattier, sluggish and easily pissed off!
One of the servers takes pity on us and brings fresh coffee in to us under a tea cloth. She treats it like a covert operation and even does a little wink and points non-challontly to the cloth.
On occasion we may be treated to her attempts at a mocha. It tastes…….
errrrr……
……..Lumpy!!
I think it blocked the hand wash sink once.
She is more than one sandwich short of a picnic. In fact some days she is a picnic short of a picnic. Her prize moment for me was entering a full restaurant, spilling some soup over a vicars wife and shouting “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK”. She was last seen hyperventilating near the bins.

I can’t recall all the times in which someone has left the tap open on the bulk brew and 20 litres of fresh coffee
has pissed out over the floor. I still find it amusing and have, on occasion, just stepped over it and ignored it.

Normally when I’m decaffeinated.

It’s me who orders the coffee etc and know exactly how many of those caramelised biscuits the servers eat and how many actually get to the customer. I also know where the managers stash of flavoured syrups are hidden. I have not disclosed this fact as I now have my own syrup stash ‘for kitchen use only’ (ahem).

I just have to mention some feedback we got back from a VIP directors conference.

‘When asked if I preferred tea or coffee to conclude my meal I replied that both would be appreciated. The waitress then poured half tea/half coffee in the same cup, smiled, and walked off.’

My first few proper jobs.

So I’ve left college, learned to make sauces from scratch, display lobsters, stuff eggs and make cucumber look exciting. I also took extra classes in professional cake decoration and pastry work to be a smart-ass.

Now what? Find a job? Eeeeeek!! Time for the real world. I got a feel for the real world whilst serving food in a small cafe in town. It was just sandwiches, jacket potatoes and toasties but gave me a master class in how to treat customers. Customers that spoke to you like crap and thought it generous to leave a 5 pence tip. A please or thank you would have been enough!! But no, “just a  froffy coffee” “2 white sugars” they’d yell, as they sat on the only dirty table in the place. “Sugars on the f’#!*in’ table you moron” I’d say in my head for the fiftieth time that day. It was here that I would be shown how to use a ‘froffy coffee machine’ , the ‘correct’ way to vacuum and how to accidentally flip the closed sign over 15 minutes to closing.

I soon left and started working full time in a bakery. The ‘hand-finished’ cream cakes were bought in and ‘finished’ with a dust of icing sugar or blob of cream. The dough mixes were all ready in large bags and just water was added. One thing that was made on site was the rich fruit slab cakes. They were always popular at Christmas but expensive to make. I know this as I burnt a large batch of them once. Technically not my fault as I left them in the oven for the night bakers to take out. I’ll never forget them piled up on my section, burnt to a bloody crisp, with a note attached saying ‘see me‘. Needless to say I was transferred to the staff canteen. More ungrateful folk turning their noses up at my offerings. (I must have put quiche on at some stage). I quickly realised that this isn’t what I wanted to do and got a job stacking shelves.

There were a couple of pub kitchen jobs in between but mainly consisted of microwaving plastic containers and preparing ice cream sundaes. I did, however learn how to make a swan out of kitchen foil and a white tablecloth.

Where it all began (and lots of quiche).

Everyone loves the IDEA of baking at home but in reality not everyone has the patience, time, or commitment. I always think to myself “I’m gonna get up earlier tomorrow and bake before work,” It rarely happens, but should I have any spare time I will bake, cook or scoff something using the store cupboard ingredients I bought when I had more spare time. (2 years ago???!!!). The baking powder, the bicarb, the mixed dried fruit, and the bags upon bags of flour. I’m pretty sure that the fast action yeast in there is older than my child. And when (and why) did I buy all those walnuts????? I will write the recipe for my stem ginger Florentines on here at some point.

I used to bake with my mother most weekends and, at around age 11 could easily make pastry, cookies, and other bero book goodies. I recall there was a coconut and almond meringue thingy (that always tasted more of the baking tray than anything else). Enormous banana and chocolate cookies (that would cause the mixer to make horrific groaning noises when combining the ingredients), and of course quiche Lorraine. Its clear now that I had a little obsession with quiche.

Home economics class at school taught me pretty much zilch. We would be given a topic and told to cook whatever we wanted.

Pastry week – Quiche

Dairy week- Quiche

Meat-free week – Veggie Quiche

Quiche week -you get the idea!!

I left secondary school with pretty average grades and a passion for baking/cooking. I just knew that I would end up working with food. I qualified in the 3 years after that and thought that I was ready to take on the culinary world…..

….I wasn’t!

Stem Ginger Florentines
2oz of the following-:
Butter
Demerara Sugar
Golden syrup
Plain flour
Then a total of 5-6oz of mixed nuts, zest, dried fruits and finely diced stem ginger.
8oz dark chocolate.
Method
Put the first 3 ingredients in a pan until the butter has melted. Then off the heat stir in everything else. Dollop 18 equal blobs on a lined baking tray and bake at around 170oC for around 10 mins. Leave to cool.
Brush or dip with the melted dark chocolate.
To get a more glossy, professional finish melt half the chocolate, over water to 52oC. Take off the heat and grate in the remaining chocolate and stir it until it cools to 26oC.
Brush or dip the Florentines as above

A brief overview of everything

OK here goes!

Food is a major part of my everyday life.

I love to cook food, I love to eat food, I love to display food nicely on the plate.

I run a busy hotel kitchen in the UK and my days are taken over by other peoples stupidity, lack of common sense and, of course, power trips & hissy fits.

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore my job but it should be so simple. PREPARE FOOD, COOK FOOD, CLEAN DOWN, ORDER STUFF, REPEAT.

But whether it be incorrect table numbers/covers, delivery issues, trainee chefs mis-haps, faulty oven doors or spelling mistakes on the menu it is ALL ON ME.

I have been in ‘the trade’ professionally for over 10 years and worked at a handful of places, each offering their own memorable moments. Some good, some not so good.

I will blog these experiences as I remember them, in no particular order, and include the odd recipe along the way.

Enjoy

Chef unknown