Our hotel restaurant has recently moved to an expensive barista machine to replace the old push-button one. Don’t get me wrong! I’m all for better, fresher coffee but at what cost? It’s very amusing for us chefs to watch the inexperienced staff attempting to steam milk. Some listen for the perfect sound, some just go for it full steam and get sloshed with hot milk on the face. Some are scared to death of ‘the new machine’ and (at arms length) proceed to gently steam the milk for several minutes, then, with a little look over their shoulder, they steal some redundant foam from a previous attempt and pile it on top of the now luke-warm beverage. “Must be something wrong with this machine again” they mutter as they leave it dirty for the next person to sort out. By this time the food order is ready and the customer has either (a) forgotten what they ordered or (b) fallen asleep having now waited an age for a simple latte. I’ve seen many a grown woman have a complete meltdown over an order of 3 cappuccinos and a latte. By early afternoon the dish wash area is littered with furry silver jugs, coffee beans, and failed mocha attempts.
It was decided that staff should not be privileged to consume proper coffee and a large tin of instant granules should be purchased. Cheap-shit teabags were also on offer if you fancied a nice cup of old lady’s piss.
A chef without caffeine is not good news. Let alone a full brigade. We get ratty/rattier, sluggish and easily pissed off!
One of the servers takes pity on us and brings fresh coffee in to us under a tea cloth. She treats it like a covert operation and even does a little wink and points non-challontly to the cloth.
On occasion we may be treated to her attempts at a mocha. It tastes…….
errrrr……
……..Lumpy!!
I think it blocked the hand wash sink once.
She is more than one sandwich short of a picnic. In fact some days she is a picnic short of a picnic. Her prize moment for me was entering a full restaurant, spilling some soup over a vicars wife and shouting “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK”. She was last seen hyperventilating near the bins.
I can’t recall all the times in which someone has left the tap open on the bulk brew and 20 litres of fresh coffee
has pissed out over the floor. I still find it amusing and have, on occasion, just stepped over it and ignored it.
Normally when I’m decaffeinated.
It’s me who orders the coffee etc and know exactly how many of those caramelised biscuits the servers eat and how many actually get to the customer. I also know where the managers stash of flavoured syrups are hidden. I have not disclosed this fact as I now have my own syrup stash ‘for kitchen use only’ (ahem).
I just have to mention some feedback we got back from a VIP directors conference.
‘When asked if I preferred tea or coffee to conclude my meal I replied that both would be appreciated. The waitress then poured half tea/half coffee in the same cup, smiled, and walked off.’
It's a chef's life! 